Top Ten Most Outrageous Patient Quotes
This post has nothing to do with nutrition but I hope it will make you laugh. Today was my last day at my current job(s) and I’m feeling a little nostalgic. I thought I’d do something a little different today and share some of the craziest, sweetest, most hilarious and oh-my-goodness-worthy quotes from my beloved patients. Enjoy!
1. Patient: Where do you get your cream of rice? I’ve checked all the stores. I looked at Sears, Home Depot, and Staples and none of them have cream of rice.
2. Patient: You have a fiance, don’t you?
Me (wearing gloves – my engagement ring is not visible): Well yeah, actually, but why do you say fiance instead of boyfriend or husband?
Patient: You have that ‘engaged’ look. I can tell.
3. Me: Would you like me to take your blood pressure?
Elderly male patient (with strong German accent): Vhy yes…do you vant to sqveeze me?
4. Patient (to another dietitian): Thank goodness it’s you. That other dietitian (me) was so scrawny.
5. Elderly female patient: Your eyes are so pretty. I don’t know why you wear your hair over your eyes like that…it covers up the pretty part of your face.
6. Me: Well, that’s all of my questions. We’ll check on you tomorrow and see how you’re doing. Have a nice day!
Elderly male patient: Don’t leave! You’re pretty!
7. Me: We have several types of nutritional supplements if you’d like to try any of those to help increase your calorie intake.
Older male patient: Do you have Boost?
Me: We sure do!
Older male patient: I love Boost! What flavors do you have?
Me: We have chocolate, vanilla, and strawberry.
Older male patient: Strawberry! I love strawberry!
Me: Great! Would you like me to have one sent with each of your meals?
Older male patient (takes my hand, looks at me very seriously): I love you.
8. Patient: Are you skipping school to be here?
Me: I’m sorry?
Patient: You look like you’re fourteen!
Me (to myself): Make mental note not to wear braids to work. Ever. Again.
9. Me (working on teaching some diabetes education): The next thing on the nutrition label you need to look at is Total Carbohydrates.
Patient: Yes. Carbohydrates. Got it. How much money do you make?
Me: Why do you ask that?
Patient: Because I want to know. How much do you make?
Me: Well, I’d rather not say, actually. Is that alright?
Patient: Okay. How many hours do you work?
Me (teasing): Well, that depends on how long it takes to get through your handout.
Patient: How many hours do you work each week?
Me: Well, it is different every week, but these aren’t really relevant topics. Is it alright if we go back to looking at the nutrition label?
Patient: Okay. So how much money do you make?
aaaaand my personal favorite…
10. Older male patient: You look so pretty with your hair up. You should wear your hair up every day. If you were my girlfriend and you wore your hair up I’d say, “Da**, you’re a gorgeous wench!