Top Ten Most Outrageous Patient Quotes

This post has nothing to do with nutrition but I hope it will make you laugh. Today was my last day at my current job(s) and I’m feeling a little nostalgic. I thought I’d do something a little different today and share some of the craziest, sweetest, most hilarious and oh-my-goodness-worthy quotes from my beloved patients. Enjoy!

1. Patient: Where do you get your cream of rice? I’ve checked all the stores. I looked at Sears, Home Depot, and Staples and none of them have cream of rice.

2. Patient: You have a fiance, don’t you?

Me (wearing gloves – my engagement ring is not visible): Well yeah, actually, but why do you say fiance instead of boyfriend or husband?

Patient: You have that ‘engaged’ look. I can tell.

3. Me: Would you like me to take your blood pressure?

Elderly male patient (with strong German accent): Vhy yes…do you vant to sqveeze me?

Me: Umm….nope.

4. Patient (to another dietitian): Thank goodness it’s you. That other dietitian (me) was so scrawny.

5. Elderly female patient: Your eyes are so pretty. I don’t know why you wear your hair over your eyes like that…it covers up the pretty part of your face.

6. Me: Well, that’s all of my questions. We’ll check on you tomorrow and see how you’re doing. Have a nice day!

Elderly male patient: Don’t leave! You’re pretty!

7. Me: We have several types of nutritional supplements if you’d like to try any of those to help increase your calorie intake.

Older male patient: Do you have Boost?

Me: We sure do!

Older male patient: I love Boost! What flavors do you have?

Me: We have chocolate, vanilla, and strawberry.

Older male patient: Strawberry! I love strawberry!

Me: Great! Would you like me to have one sent with each of your meals?

Older male patient (takes my hand, looks at me very seriously): I love you.

8. Patient: Are you skipping school to be here?

Me: I’m sorry?

Patient: You look like you’re fourteen!

Me (to myself): Make mental note not to wear braids to work. Ever. Again.

9. Me (working on teaching some diabetes education): The next thing on the nutrition label you need to look at is Total Carbohydrates.

Patient: Yes. Carbohydrates. Got it. How much money do you make?

Me: Why do you ask that?

Patient: Because I want to know. How much do you make?

Me: Well, I’d rather not say, actually. Is that alright?

Patient: Okay. How many hours do you work?

Me (teasing): Well, that depends on how long it takes to get through your handout.

Patient: How many hours do you work each week?

Me: Well, it is different every week, but these aren’t really relevant topics. Is it alright if we go back to looking at the nutrition label?

Patient: Okay. So how much money do you make?

aaaaand my personal favorite…

10. Older male patient: You look so pretty with your hair up. You should wear your hair up every day. If you were my girlfriend and you wore your hair up I’d say, “Da**, you’re a gorgeous wench!

Me: Umm…thanks?